omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
