The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
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nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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