I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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