mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
