i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
