I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
