you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
