Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
