Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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