Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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