end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
