I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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