You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
