I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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