Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
