just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
