Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
