He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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