The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
