if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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