What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
