Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We need to rekindle our bromance
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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