Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
