It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
