so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
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Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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