Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
