Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The air was thick with penises
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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