I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
