Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
