i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
