Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
