how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
