Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
