He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
