I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
