You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
