I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
