So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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