Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
