You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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