atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
