Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
