why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
