You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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