woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
