How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
