you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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