Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
