I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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