Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
