I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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