I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
