I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
