im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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