if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
