Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
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I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
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If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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