also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I pour the whiskey from now on
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
