he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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