I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
