I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
