so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
