i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
