Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
