I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
